Waking Dream
by Kasage Starrunner
Summary: POV Claire stream of consciousness ficlet--the first I've tried. Months after the fall of Umbrella, everyone else has moved on, but Claire still can't let go of the past. Why?


Waking Dream   
  


by Kasage Starrunner   
  


Disclaimor: I am not in anyway affiliated with Capcom, who owns Claire Redfield and Resident Evil. Thankyou.   
  


*START*   
  


As I walked through the corridors and the dark alleys of my most hideous nightmares I wondered what life would be like when everything ended and Umbrella was finally gone. What would silence feel like? What would true happiness feel like? True happiness--that may never come. I still jump at shadows and when I go to sleep at night I still expect a gorey arm with peeling skin to grab my foot and pull me back into the horror movie that was my previous life.   
  


I can still smell the stench of death, though that could be my refridgerator. It burns my eyes to think about that smell so I don't and my gaze wanders to the windowsill. My cat sits there mewing and watching the hummingbirds. I called him Steve.   
  


I miss him. Sometimes, when no one's looking, I still cry because he's gone. Cry because I never cared enough and he never knew and I never knew and death parted all knowing forever. And with my quavering voice I call, "Here kitty kitty," and Steve climbs up in my lap, licks the tears from my face, and purrs gently. I look into those green cat-eyes and can almost here Steve Burnside saying, "I finally kept my promise to you."   
  


As though he would live in a cat. But then, Steve fits him.   
  


I sit by the window now. Chris left months ago to try living again. I'm still in Limbo, but he calls. I told him about my meatloaf that even the dog next door wouldn't eat. He laughed and asked me how I survived on my own. I told him T.V. dinners.   
  


That was last night and the house seems so empty now. Even the wind isn't voice enough to keep me company. I wish Steve were here--not just the cat. I want someone to fill the vacant hours. I want the hole in my heart to go away. It must be the size of the hole that killed him now. Smile, keep going, the Redfield inside me says, but something else says its time to cry yet again.   
  


I woke up last night screaming. I'd fallen asleep in the chair and in the dream I couldn't escape the zombies. They kept attacking me even though my mind told me that they weren't real anymore and I didn't have these battles left to fight ... Umbrella was gone. They bit at me and no one came to save me--not Chris or Steve or Leon. The bed was so cold. I think I had sleep paralysis again.   
  


Maybe I didn't even dream the zombies and I'm just going crazy. Maybe I'll start walking around in a S.T.A.R.S. uniform calling myself Chris Redfield.   
  


Not that crazy yet. Not like the Ashfords. The ants are bad this year. An exterminator's coming for them. The ants and Steve are the only things that keep me company. Its so lonely ... Its so quiet.   
  


Forbidden words: I miss Umbrella. Smack "Guilty" on my brow, but I never moved on. It was so hard to think about pain when my only thought was just to stay alive. Dammit, Steve, why'd you have to die on me? Life was hell with Umbrella, but its worse now that its gone. All I have now to think about is you and how we couldn't manage to save each other.   
  


What good is human compassion if two people can't save each other?   
  


The cat is done watching the birds. He'll be sad when the fly south soon, but now he knows I'm crying again. Poor Steve-kitty, he doesn't understand his human. I feel like a spell is broken. He licks my nose and I wish he'd turn into a man. You know who--my knight in shining armor. Fairytales. Umbrella seems so far away, but there's a feeling in my gut. Something tells me all the lostness of everything punched me today. I've been feeling the bruise for monthes, but now it really hurts. Nothing to do but think.   
  


He's kneading my legs. I never understood that about cats, but then, they are cats. I scratch his head idly. Its so easy. So easy to forget ... Its been 8 monthes and 5 days since he died and I can't let go. The pain keeps me going--have to hang on to that. It keeps you in my mind, Steve. So easy to forget without the pain. But then, the healing too soon comes ... The silence in my head. The cat purrs and I pray for my soul--my heart filled with a dread that I know too well. A dread of a day to come.   
  


That dread, the day that my past becomes a waking dream, so far away ... So easy to forget.   
  


*FIN* 


End file.
